Lifeline
by Sjannie
Summary: Joker kidnapped the robins and Jason and bruce got into a fight, again. Why does he even try? Jason's hold on the knife tightens as he thinks about his so called 'family'. Trigger warning: Selfharm. Or Jason s feeling about his so called family and friends. Including Bruce, Dick, Tim, Damian, Kori, Roy, Sasha, Artemis, Bizarro and Alfred.
1. Chapter 1

**Lifeline**

 _I do not own batman_

Bruce

''Ugh'' Jason hisses as he finally stumbles into his safe house. He throws his jacked stained with blood away and makes his way to the bathroom. Counter to your belief it is his own blood. The joker escaped, _again_ and this time decided to kidnap all the robins so that batman would appear. Batman, _like always_ _when it comes to him_ , was late and the joker came at him with a crowbar. He just lost it. With the dagger from Talia he cut himself lose and hit the joker in his face, he took the crowbar from him and hit him again and again all the while the clown kept on laughing. That laugh, Jason _always_ hears it wherever he goes, in his nightmares, it makes him go nuts. In the end batman didn't save him from the joker, no, he saved the joker from him. They got into a fight, having the whole killing is bad discussion _again_. In the end Jason fled the scene while no one stopped him.

He hisses again from the pain when he sets foot into the bathroom. He collapses on the floor. He is just so tired…so tired of it all. No matter what he does nothing ever changes. He still is the black sheep, he still hears the laughter of the joker, still sees green from the pit, still can't control his anger, still doesn't understand Bruce's rule, still means less than the joker to batman. Did Bruce even really care about him at all? Probably not, basing on his actions.

He was never _Never_ a son to Bruce was he? He was a failure and he is sure that Bruce regrets taking him in and training him even if Alfred says he doesn't. He is his greatest failure, a mistake, he should have never been robin. He was not chosen to be robin to become a hero, but to not become a villain. He just can't understand Bruce, did he ever really? He was broken, tainted, nothing like the golden boy at all. Everyone loved to remind him of that. Bruce doesn't love him, if he ever even really loved Jason it would have been the Jason that died, but he isn't that Jason. Not anymore and he will never be. He crossed the line once and there is no going back. Why did he even try if it is pointless in the end? He never listened to batman, he wasn't really a good soldier, but maybe to batman he was. A soldier, something that can easily be replaced. A son, like golden boy he never was. Tears leave his eyes as he cuts his flesh of his arm. Bruce ever caring about him was just one big illusion and the joker opened his eyes. The pains makes the green fog over his eyes, the voices that he hears at night… _Go slightly softer._

 **Author's note**

I started this new fanfic serie. I do not know everything about the batman canon so this might be ooc. If anyone can tell me about Jason's and barbara's relationship that would be most helpful. I really hope bruce's and jason's relationship will be more explored in the red hood and the outlaws and that we will see talia and Jason interact. Please review.


	2. Chapter 2

**Lifeline**

 _I do not own batman._

* * *

Dick

Jason lets out a sigh as he looks at the blood slowly flowing from his wrist. What would his family say if they saw this? Jason has to scoff at that word.

''Family….''

He doesn't really have a family. If he ever had them it would have been the Jason that died that they loved. But Bruce never cared about him. He only cared about Dick. Probably only took him in because he was lonely. Because he missed Dick, the first Robin.

''Damm it…''

He could never live up to that legacy. Even though he really admired Dick, he wanted him to like him but he realised soon that Dick didn't like him at all and didn't try to be like a brother to Jason. No he acted like a brother to Tim, even to Damian but not to him and it _hurt._

''Still…'' _Hurts._ Jason whispers into the air.

Right now their relationship is better, Dick is trying even Jason can see it. But now he feels like he doesn't even deserve it. Dick only does it because he wants to be nice, to make the guilt less of not being a better brother before Jason died. But even if Dick tries Jason can see the difference between how he treats Tim, Damian and him as clear as the difference between night and day. Can he say that he doesn' t understand why? No of course he can understand. Doesn't make it hurt any less. If only dick tried when he was young. But no one can change the past, and even if people did would the future turn out different? Knowing his luck it would only turn worst. But his chest does hurt knowing what they have and he will never have. Like when Dick and Damian talk over the comm about new moves they should try during the training sessions, or dick talking with tim about other stuff. Jason's never invited. And even if he doesn't want to admit, it hurts. Maybe they don't even notice.

Dick Never cared about him, just like Bruce, He never understood him. He locked him up in arkham for goodness sake! The same place where the joker was. That was not good for his stability no it only worsened and it took a lot to get slightly better. But they don't know that, didn't even ask.

Another cut is visible on his wrist.

* * *

 **Author's note**

Since Jason is alone in the bathroom it is a little bit hard to write more dialogue but I will try.


	3. Chapter 3

**Lifeline**

 _I do not own batman_

* * *

Tim

Dick isn't even the 'brother' he is closest to. That would be Tim. His replacement. Jason can still feel the anger inside him burning as he thinks about how easy Bruce replaced him. Everyone says that he missed him so much but Jason doesn't see it, he wasn't there to see it. He was busy being death, catatonic, being thrown off a cliff and finding out he had nothing left in this world. But now he regrets attacking Tim. More than once. He shouldn't have done that. It wasn't Tim's fault, but he wanted to hurt Bruce, he wanted to hurt them all to feel his pain, his anger, his hate.

Now Tim is the one with who his relation is the best, ironic huh? Tim still doesn't trust him, according to Damian Jason stands on some sort of list but what else would he expect? He should be happy that Tim talks to him and helps him at all, Even made the computer for his ''batcave''.

Tim was the first that reached out again after his rage had calmed down. Talking about Alfred's waffles. The one of the bats, the only one with who he often works together the most. Jason has to admit Tim is good at what he does. He was a good robin. He did help Bruce. But sometimes Jason is just bitter. But Tim knows, he understands. He himself is replaced now too after all.

Jason closes his eyes. Sometimes he has nightmares of what he did to Tim. It haunts him, like some other regrets. He doesn't deserve Tim.

A third red stripe is visible on Jason's skin.

* * *

 **Author's note**

This one is a little short. Next one will probably be longer and will be about Damian. But to be honest, Bruce returns in all of them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Lifeline**

 _I do not own batman_

Chapter 4: Damian

* * *

Tim himself was replaced by Dick, not even by Bruce. But Bruce didn't do anything about it. Kept Damian as robin. Even though Tim was much better as robin. Damian is more like Jason himself. Angry and hot-headed. But Jason is the failure, the robin who didn't listen and who got himself killed. But Damian also doesn't listen so why? Why does Bruce let that Brat be robin while Bruce knows how it failed with Jason. Hell Damian has killed before, would still be able to do it. Only doesn't do it for Bruce. He crossed the line before so why does Bruce let him into the family? Jason knows deep down that it is because he is still a kid but..but why does such a exception not count for him? He knows he killed but only the ones that deserved it and ...he is trying to stop now. He hasn't killed in like month's. Yet Bruce doesn't treat him like he treats Damian. It makes Jason's blood boil and makes him hate Damian. Yes he is jealous of the brat. Bruce loves him. He is so rude, killed before, respects almost no one and doesn't listen to batman and yet..and yet...

Tears leave Jason eyes. Why is it that he does love Damian, cares about Damian, hugs Damian, smiles at Damian and not at him? Is it because Damian is his true son? His blood son? That must be it. Jason wasn't really Bruce son. Just a replacement. Bruce never really cared about him anyway so what else should he have expected?

When Damian died and he saw how everyone reacted he wondered if this was how it was for them when he died. But he thinks it is not the same. They wouldn't have missed him that much. After all Damian was not replaced. No Bruce did everything to get him back. Did he do that for Jason? No. He even...god...he even brought ...Jason thought him and Bruce .. were getting better and then Bruce took him out on a solo mission. Jason hoped...let himself hope that maybe this was a sign. A sign that ... things could get better between them. Were getting better between them. The mission was a sign All right. For how less he meant to him. He took him to the place he died so he could think about it and give Bruce clues how to bring back his son because he wanted to see him growing up. The pieces of his already shattered heart just shattered even more. How could Bruce do that to him? He still has nightmares every night, still hears that laugh and then he brings him to his place of death. Did Bruce even think about what that would do to him? Did he even care? Jason guesses not. His anger..went sky high. He was so so mad because he was so so sad. He thought... but he thought wrong. If Bruce brought him to the worst place he has ever been to relive the worst moment of his life so that he could see his son grow up. That was answer enough if Bruce choosing the joker over him wasn't clear enough.

When he came back from the death Bruce didn't welcome him back with a hug but with a baterang in his throat. An yes Jason did awful things that went against batman's rules. It is just still unfair. Bruce did everything to get Damian back, even putting his own life on the line but he didn't do that for Jason. Is he not worth that? And when he got Damian back he was happy. Relived. Glad. Not one of the emotion he showed when Jason was back. Everyone was happy when Damian came back even though he ran off on his own and got himself killed but he didn't get called broken or a failure. Only Jason. Yet the boy does follow his father's rule. Does see something in it. Even with Talia's upbringing. So maybe it really lies with Jason.

When Jason ran off alone, died, was brought back to life no one said they were happy, he got from no one a hug. No one tried to help him. They weren't glad. They wanted Damian back. They didn't want Jason back. Jason doesn't wanted to be back either. He didn't.

*cut*

More red colours his skin but Jason doesn't care.

* * *

 **Author's note**

I really feel like it is unfair how they treat Jason if comparison with Damian. I mean what is up with that? I feel like Jason does feel respect for Damian that Damian tries to better his life but he feels bitter towards him because of Bruce. Bruce...how on earth could he bring Jason back to the place he died...I am still salty about that! Ugh. Next chapter will be shorter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Lifeline**

 _I do not own batman_

Friends & Allies and people he used to know.

 **Roy & Kori**

His first friends...but were they really his? They were Dick's first. He really enjoyed his time with them. He laughed, felt happy. But he also knew that one day it would all stop. That it wouldn't last. Because nothing good ever lasts if he is involved. They split up. Kori is now with the teen titans and Roy is now with the titans again. They do not talk anymore. Jason is to scared for rejection to call them. They are heroes and he is not. It is probably better if they stay apart. The darkness that circles around him is no place for them. They can do good while being good. He has no place among them.

 **Scarlet**

They may have been his first friends but his first partner was scarlet. He found her in a hospital in the days he was still killing. The time he was still... well to be honest a little insane. Couldn't think/see completely clearly. Scarlet had needed real help like therapy but what did he do? He took her as his partner and they hurt criminals together. Sound familiar? Yes he made the same mistake batman made with him. That is why when he finally could think more clearly he fired Sasha as his partner. It was for her own good. She could still go back, be normal, have a life. She is strong, will be able to pull through. That is why he send her out of Gotham to a place where it is not as dangerous, with a new identity, money, to a place where she could go to school and where she will get therapy. He didn't want to be like batman and risk getting his partner killed. She hadn't had any training and he just took her into his would. Sasha was not that happy with his decision and didn't want to listen, she wanted to stay with him. But he went through with it and she didn't speak with him for days but in the end she gave in and in the end Jason knows he made the right decision. They do talk now... but he doesn't want to be a big presence in her life. He would only remind her of the bad things. It is better if he stayed out of her new life.

 **Essence**

Essence was his first girlfriend. If you could call her that. She was the first person to make him feel alive again after he came back from the dead. Gave him his first kiss. He liked her and felt betrayed when she turned on the all-caste. Though it seems she had her reasons. In the end she did save Roy and she helped them. He cares about her but they each went their own way. She became the living embodiment of the all-caste. Now she is just somebody he used to know.

 **Crux**

Crux, also known as Simon Amal was his enemy. Tried to hurt Kori. They defeated him and shipped him off to Arkham. It seemed that that was a good thing. Which Jason could never understand. He would never be able to forgive Dick and Bruce for putting him in Arkham. But Crux thanked him and even hugged him. Now he helps Jason out sometimes. But he is trying to be better, leaving the past behind him, having his own life now and Jason doesn't want to hold him back.

 **Talia**

The woman who brought him back to life, without his consent. So that she could make her beloved happy? Jason really doesn't know what is going on in her head. She gave him teachers, teachers he killed. She stalled him but in the end said to punish Bruce and cross the line. Be the batman Gotham needs. After his failure they haven't kept much in contact though she is still sending him money to one of the fake identities she gave him. Ra said Talia released a curse upon this world and Jason believes it. When talia looked at him whe he opened his eyes in the pit she looked afraid. Was she afraid of what she had done or what I had become or both? Jason is also afraid of himself. He was never supposed to be alive. He wasn't.

 **Artemis & Bizarro**

His new partners Artemis and Bizarro, he likes them. He likes spending time with them. Bizarro felt like a brother and Artemis...yes he has a thing for her but it is one sided. Everything went fine but then Bizarro got hurt. When he looked at Bizarro he was remineded of his own situation. Just like him Bizarro never asked for life. But even though Jason knew that he and Artemis still tried everything to get himback. Because of that he was returned but he was not himself. Was that the real Bizarro or was it not? The same question he is wondering about with himself. Is the Jason right now the real one or was the real one before his death? Right now after the whole incident with Bizarro he is still in coma again in one of crux's labs. Jason doesn't know what to do. What does Bizarro want? Does he want to live? Who is Jason to decide for him? Artemis has returned to her home country to help her fellow Amazons. Something good always shatters in Jason's hands. It is better for him to not be there to drag anymore people down with him.

He looks at his arm. It looks just like Kori's or Artemis's hair is wrapped around it. Another red hair wraps itself around his wrist as he brings the knife to his skin.

* * *

 **Author's note**

A really long chapter, I hope you enjoyed it. I decided to mix different continuity things and put one prediction in it. I think the current arc of red hood and the outlaws will end with Bizarro in a coma (like how it began) so sorry if it confused you. Next chapter will be shorter, can you guess about who it will be? After that will be the last chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Lifeline**

 _I do not own batman_

Alfred

* * *

Jason's vision gets blurry. How long has he been in the bathroom? It doesn't matter he feels tired. His grip on the knife gets lesser until he drops it. But it doesn't matter. Dark spots begin to appear on the tiles of his bathroom floor. His mother died in the bathroom. Did she also fall asleep? What would she think about him now? Would it matter?

He can feel himself lose consciousness. If he falls asleep will he wake up? He hopes not. He is done. Everyone is better off without him. He doesn't have a place here he shouldn't even be alive. Even his real dad said he was a mistake. Bruce said the same, he was a failure. Even if Alfred said that Bruce didn't think it was a mistake taking him in, believing in him. Jason knows better. He saw it in Bruce's actions. They couldn't be any clearer.

 _Alfred..._

Alfred is nice. He is so much more than a butler, a friend. He was his Grandfather and Jason hurt him. He never literally hurt Alfred physically, he would never do that. Not even in his plan to take revenge. But in the progress he did hurt Alfred by hurting the ones Alfred loves. Alfred said that he is like a grandson to him, that the manor would always be his home. Alfred always invited him over to the manor. Not Red Hood no he invited Jason over, not a solider but a grandson, family. Alfred always acted and said the same. He hugged Jason and answered his calls, gave him advice. They drank tea together and talk about books.

And what did Jason do in return?

He hurt Alfred's loved ones, he killed even though he knew they hated that. He became the thing that everyone hated and disliked. He hurt Alfred. He misused their training and the stuff he learned from them. He wasted their belief in him. Alfred's belief in him. Even though Alfred has always been kind to him. Always invites him ..still does even after all Jason has done Alfred still spends time with him, eats with him. Even though Jason never goes to one of the family dinners. Alfred tries.

Jason doesn't deserve Alfred.

Tears falls down Jason's cheeks on the bathroom's floor. His head follows the tears. He lies his head down on the cold floor.

He loves Alfred.

His vision has almost totally turned black and Jason knows that any moment now he can lose consciousness.

He hasn't said thank you to Alfred yet.

He hasn't said sorry yet.

He hasn't said goodbye yet.

But He doesn't have any strength anymore and his eyes fall shut.

Somehow he can hear his name being called.

Maybe it is death calling him?

* * *

 **Author's note**

So what do you think about this chapter? What do you think about the fanfic until now? We have only one more chapter to go. Next chapter will be the last one. Because it will be the last one it will be the hardest one to write so it will take some time. I hope you are looking forward to it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Lifeline chapter 7**

 _I do not own batman_

* * *

This is not what Alfred expected he thinks as he looks at his second grandson lying in a bed. The joker had escaped for the 1000th time and Bruce and Jason got into a fight again. It hurt Alfred to watch it. Afterwards his grandson looked so broken, sad and angry. Alfred wanted to go to him to make sure he was all right. But Jason didn't come back to the cave. He held hope he would have gone to Leslie's but he had called her and the answer was no. So after he made sure all the other batfamily members were taken care of he went to Jason's closes safehouse. Thanks to Barbara for the address. He, the gentleman he is first knocked. But he got no answer. Maybe Jason wasn't at this safehouse. But Alfred got this feeling and it got worse when he noticed the door was not locked and he could easily open it. That wasn't something for Jason to do. So Alfred followed his feeling and found Jason, his grandson bleeding in the bathroom from his wrist with the knife on the floor. Still coloured in Jason's own blood. He was so in shock that for a few seconds he did nothing. But then like a switch was flipped he went into action. He called the cave for the batmobile and then called Leslie to come to the cave as soon as possible. It was all just in time. All Alfred could think about was about saving his grandson. He could not lose Jason again. Now he sits in front of him holding his hand. When Jason was stable he brought him up into the manor. Where he belonged. But Alfred realised Jason must not feel the same. He kicked everyone out of Jason's room and told Bruce to leave the manor for now. But blaming it all on the fight and Bruce would have not been right. Everyone is to blame. They should have noticed it. He should have seen it but he hadn't. He hadn't realised Jason would ever feel like this was the only way out. Alfred gets snapped out of his thoughts as he hears Jason groaning. He is waking up.

* * *

Jason slowly opens his eyes.

 _Where am I?_

Is his first thought. He can feel himself lying in a bed. A very comfortable bed, one he doesn't own. His arm also hurts.. So his second thought is

 _What happened?_

But then the memories come flooding in and he remembers what he did. Jason looks more clearly at his surroundings. The manor, he is at the manor... they saved him? God why did they save him. He was the failure, the mistake why would they save him? Couldn't they understand he was better off dead? That he should have stayed dead? They don't want him so why why _why_ ...

''Why can't you just let me go.'' He whispers.

''I am afraid you cannot ask such a thing of me master Jason.'' Jason eyes open again and he realises Alfred sits next to him. How could he have not noticed him before?

''Alfie...'' Jason says but before he can say anything else Alfred stands up and carefully wraps his arms around his grandson.

''I'm sorry Jason, I am so sorry but I couldn't let you go.'' Alfred whispers in his ear and Jason can feel the tears falling. He has never seen Alfred cry and he is sad that he is the cause of it.

''I realise it is selfish of me, but honestly I didn't even think about it like that. All I could think about when I saw you in your bathroom was that you were dying and I couldn't let that happen, not again. I couldn't lose you again, Jason.'' Alfred's grip on Jason tightens.

''So...''Jason says slowly having a little trouble with talking. ''It was you who found me?'' Alfred slowly sits down on his chair and nods. ''I called Leslie and together we saved your life.''

''Why?'' Jason asks and his grandfather looks so broken.

''Because I love you Jason, because I care about you and because I don't want to lose you.'' Alfred says as he wipes Jason's hair out of his face.

''I don't deserve your love.'' Jason responds turning his face away.

''Of course you do. You are my grandson I love you with all my heart but I guess I haven't shown it enough.''

''I am only your grandson because Bruce adopted me and he doesn't love me. I am just a mistake, a failure.''

Alfred wants to say so much about Bruce but he bites his tongue. This is not about Bruce, it is about Jason. Alfred takes a hold of Jason's face and makes Jason face him.

''Jason Peter Todd. You are not a mistake, you are not a failure. You are a great person with a big heart. And just because master Bruce is acting like a bloody #$ that shouldn't be a reason for you to kill yourself.''

''Not just because of Bruce but it would be better for everyone if I was death.'' Jason says as he looks into Alfred's eyes.

''How would that be better for us? Your death nearly destroyed us the first time. How could you think it wouldn't do that the second time?''

''Because that was the fifteen year old me.'' Jason sounds defeated and tired. ''You guys loved that fifteen year old me, well most of it. Bruce changed my ''legacy'' with that stupid case and story about how I was the perfect soldier even though not listening to orders apparently got me killed.'' Jason spats. ''But that is not who I am now. I changed.''

''Everyone changes that is part of growing up. But even if you are older, even if you start to like different things you still love books. Maybe your taste in books changed but you still love them. We still have those meetings where we discuss books, we still cook together, we even went to that theatre show. Those are also the things you liked since you were younger. I don't see a fifteen year old Jason when I look at you, I see you. My dear grandson who I love with all my heart.''

'' I hurt you guys. I tried to murder Tim, Damian even Bruce ...'' Jason starts as he tries to not let tears fall.

''And you regret that.'' Alfred says as he puts his hand on Jason's shoulder.

''I am a murderer!''

''So am I.''

''Alfie..that that is not fair it is not the same.'' Jason says as he looks at Alfred.

''Do you really want to die Jason?''

''I don't know I just want everything to stop hurting.''

''Jason I know that if you really want to I won't be able to stop you but please...try to give living another chance. Let me help you. Let me try showing you that it is worth to stay alive. Forget about Bruce or your issues with Dick. You should focus on yourself and what you want. Little steps. What about Artemis, Bizarro and Tim?''

''I though they would be better off without me..''

''But I know that they would never think like that I think they are quite sadden by this all.'' Alfred replies.

''They will be mad, I don't want them to be mad or sad.'' Jason says as he shakes his head.

''I know but of course they will be sad if someone they love they lose. Ofcourse they are angry and mad but not only at you also at themselves for not realising your feelings. We should have noticed it sooner.''

''It is not your guys fault but mine.''

''No master Jason it isn't just your fault either. I agree you should have told us sooner but we should have spend more attention to.''

''Just try, go to therapy with me or your friend..Crux was it? let's sit down and talk about things. Last time I couldn't do anything for you at least let me try now.'' Alfred pleads. Jason is silent for some time.

''You can also talk to Leslie but we don't have to even have to stay in Gotham. If you want we could go to England. There are a lot of places I bet you have never seen before and I would love to show it to you. Or we could stay in Gotham, Tim will let us stay in his apartment I am sure.''

''I make no promises.'' Jason sighs as he looks into Alfred's eyes. ''I-I feel so confused and lost and frustrated.'' He begins.

''Trying is all I ask.'' Alfred squeezes Jason's shoulder.

''...''

''I don't want to lose you Jason.''

''...''

''I don't want to lose you either Alfred.'' Jason says as he takes a hold of Alfred's hand on his shoulder and squeezes it. Jason gives a small nod and Alfred gives a small smile.

''You should rest now.'' Alfred says as he gives Jason a kiss on his forehead. ''I also have to tell the others that you are awake. When you wake up we will talk more okay?''

''Would you read to me?'' Jason asks. ''I don't feel like sleeping. I am not the best at it.''

''I will get your favourite book.'' Alfred says as he opens the door and walks into the hallway.

* * *

 **Author's note**

The end.

This chapter is really long in comparison to the other chapters. I hope it didn't turn out that bad I am really not good at writing endings. It might feel like an open ending but this really is the end for this fanfic. I am not that good of a writer to really write the next part that would be Jason's journey to feel better. It will have many up and downs but I believe with the right guidance in the end it will turn out okay. I like my happy endings after all. But that is why I ended it like this. Everyone can think for themselves what they think will happen next. I honestly don't think he will ever regain the relationship he has with Bruce but I also think he doesn't really need it. Sometimes relationships between people aren't as close like they want, to many things happened, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. I think Jason should focus more on the good relationships he has and not on the ones he hasn't. I feel like him going to England with Alfred and follow therapy will be a good opportunity for him. But anyways what do you guys think about this fanfic, did you like it? Did you predict it would be Alfred that found him? Please let me know.


End file.
